Kelly Says It Big

Hey all!!

i'm so sure that you all thought i had abandoned you! haha NOPE! i've just been busy w/ stuff and not really having a lot of free time.

well... for starters, i've been sick. my roomies have all been sick and i miraculously didn't get it right away. i was like, praise you Lord! for keeping me well. but, the next morning i woke up and my throat was sore and i was all stuffed up. bummer!

we've also just begun classes. FSM(forerunner school of ministry) just started this monday! how exciting! i'm so very pumped for all my classes!

monday night's w/ corey russell -Burn class
tuesday night's w/ allen hood- excelencies of Christ(studying JESUS!!! could there be anything better?)
wednesday afternoon's w/ dave slyker- biblical studies of eschatology(study of end times)
friday afternoon's w/ corey russel- study of Jeremiah!
saturdays w/ wes martin- grid class

i've enjoyed ALL of these classes thus far! although my brain at times feels like it's in information overload, it's all good. haha, i think to myself, "I just want to love God". but i'm realizing God has allowed me to be a planner for a purpose. i'm making a schedule for myself and my times in the prayer room. study time, meditation time, journal time, etc. i really want to be excellent w/ all He's intrusting me w/ so that means using my organizational skills to make out the best 'game plan' for my days.

i had a bitter sweet experience last night. it was my 1st time singing in the house. it was really fun, and nerve racking at the same time! i'm realizing still how nervous i get, yet i was doing it for God. it was still crazy. but i know w/ more practice it'll become comfortable.

since i haven't written in a while i thought i'd be pretty vulnerable and barf up on you all, once again. this is so good for me. the more i write out and speak out what God is doing, He's solidifying it w/in my heart more and more. i love that! try it!!

i've been fasting for about 13 days today. i'm on a daniel fast(fruits and vegetables) and it's been so amazing. i'm realizing what it means to live the 'fasted lifestyle'. meaning, i've given up things for God. food yes, but more than that, friends, money, and TIME!! this is incredible to me bc it seems so hard, but the more you do it, the more it becomes who you are, and i can't imagine living any other way. I ENJOY IT!! dang! and it's not like this weird diet thing or me doing it for anyone else. it's just between God and I. it's so personal and it's amazing. i guess i'm sharing this w/ you all to 1- encourage you to pray and ask God how He'd want you to fast(with your time, w/ your finances and w/ whatever else gets in the way of you meeting Him daily) and 2- it's allowed the places that are hard w/in my heart to become tender towards Him and it allows Him to do a supernatual deep deep work w/in you. IT'S UNDESCRIBALE!!!!! it's also a speedier process than if i wouldn't be fasting. He's waited until this very divine moment to reveal things that are w/in me that i wouldn't be able to deal w/ unless i were fasting. isn't His leadership and timing SO BEYOND US?!?!??!

prior to coming out here, the 2 months before, i realized that i was slowly becoming complacent and allowing friendships and people priority in my life. the thing is, it was so subtle that it didn't seem like anything. but i know that God(in His perfect plans) was wooing me to come here. even possibly allowing me to get into old habits and to slink away from Him a bit , just so i could see what it was like. that may seem weird to you all, but i know, that w/out that experience i WOULD NOT be as hungry as i am right now for Him. it's so incredible.

w/ all that said, i wasn't able to cry for a really really really long time. even upon coming here. i was like this empty well. yet i felt like all this water w/in was so ready to burst forth at any time. it's a weird feeling. and i just remember praying over and over again to God, hoping that i would just cry! get it all out and be okay. but i think He once again allowed me to be 'emotionally constipated' until a few days ago. it was so beautiful!

i was in COM group and we were all going around sharing what God was doing and as i began to share, He came and began to do more than i expected(what's He's best at). i was talking about how He's been showing me that i put a lot of esteem in what people think of me and they've been determining my worth. that i wasn't allowing Him to tell me who i really am and believe it. i would instead go to people instead of Him and even believe the lies from the enemy. and it became such a part of me that I was doing it subcontiously. but again, He spoke to me that I NEED HIM! that my identity is IN HIM and IN HIM ALONE!! but the reality is, i knew that, i know that, but it didn't really become heart knowledge. it was just up in my head. but as i began to share this, and how i felt Him so strongly last sunday during our intern prayer meeting, i began to cry out of no where! it was a funny event to me. haha i was so excited that He'd healed me and brought freedom w/in me in this area that i've struggled w/ probably since i've been a little girl, i was laughing, crying and praising Him all at once.
ALL i can say is GOD IS SO GOOD!!!

for the 1st time, in a long long time, i felt free and a confidence that was unexpressable overcame me because I'M HIS! what other people thought really didn't have weight on my emotions, my worth and on my actual identity. ALL i wanted was to please Him. wow!!! it overtook me and i lost it that whole day! haha

on top of that we had burn class that night and God did a lot of freeing things as well. ultimately, i just wanted to share this and verbally praise the Lord. because even though i've felt freedom in this, i've also felt even more attacked in this area since. it's a spiritual battle!!!the enemy just wants us to be in bondage w/ so many things in our lives and keep us locked up. but the more we push back the lies and fill our lives w/truth(the Word of God) and who we are in Christ, those lies will bounce off bc we're founded and grounded on the only trustworthy living thing: THE WORD!!! JESUS! HE is the Word! not that we won't be tried, tested, persecuted, attacked, etc., Jesus was, but we'll be armed w/ the sword of the Spirit to fight back. and not allow ourselves to sit back and let it affect and rule us.

i've also been reading one of the best books i've read, or maybe i just am in the season of needing what it's talking about, but it ministered to me so deeply.
it's called "Clowing in Rome" by Henri Nouwen
it's talking about solitude, celibacy, prayer, and contemplation. but it's got a cool spin on each of these. i'd recommend it to all!

well...i feel like i could write a book, but i'll stop here.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR PRAYERS!!! i can seriously feel them and I need them! i'm realizing that i wouldn't be able to press on unless others were lifting up prayers for me! so again, THANK YOU!! i love you and i'm praying that the love of Christ would dwell w/in you all. that He'd continually strengthen you and reveal the reality of who He is to you.

peace out,
keldog

posted by Keldog @ 9:02 PM